Heart Led Health by Coach Donna
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Wednesday / August 31 / 2011

You have to be a “me” before you can be part of a “we”

I think men are more romantic than women. They date and date (and yes, play the field), but when they find the Right One they say, “I can’t let this one get away” and they propose. Women are mostly concerned with finding someone with a good job who may be stable, who they can “change, if necessary” – or, worse… are desperate to find a mate simply because they’ve turned a certain age and/or watched “all” of their friends get married and want their turn down the aisle.

I realize I’m speaking in generalities, so please don’t take offense. My point is that the latter is something I vehemently oppose because it crushes the hope of happily-ever-after. And I’m a big fan of happily-ever-after.

It’s not the wedding that matters. It’s the marriage. That’s why you need to invest in the dating process and only date someone who would make a good life partner.

You should NOT – under any circumstances – align yourself with someone in order to fill a void or “have something to do” (no matter how good it feels). Nor should you venture into any type of relationship (serious or otherwise) with the sole purpose of “just having fun”. Many-a-time I’ve seen ‘frivolity & fun dating’ turn ‘serious’ in a desperate need to be together because you no longer know anything else, or, you’ve gotten pregnant.

Your life is meaningful and your relationships should reflect it. Make sure you know YOU before you try to join yourself to a WE.

My favorite movie line from the 1985 American coming-of-age movie, St. Elmo’s Fire is delivered by Brat Pack legend Ally Sheedy as Leslie Hunter when she tells her would-be lover, “I have to have something for myself first before I can share it with you.”

As ‘right’ as a relationship may seem (or how cute he is!), listen not only to your heart, for it flutters at the prospect of affection and admiration. Listen to your inner you; your core individuality with which you measure your passion and dreams.

Listen, too to the wisdom of those who know the inner you and love you unconditionally. Perhaps your parents, your best friend, your mentor, your long time counselor. The trusted few in whom you confide. The ones who love you for who you are and who you were designed to be – not for what you have or will accomplish. The ones with whom you share your hopes, dreams, and aspirations. Listen to their voices. Trust them.

Be the amazing “me” you were uniquely created to be. Then, and only then, venture into a “we” (…the right we).

4 responses to “You have to be a “me” before you can be part of a “we””

  1. Pasquale says:

    Whoa! What an “opening line”…..now THAT will get some double-takes (in a GOOD way, of course 🙂 Well, I *DO* have my “frequent ‘FLOWER’ punch card” to substantiate your observation…..I LOVE giving flowers……hmmm, I guess that qualifies as a credible example, no ? — Also, just HAD to acknowledge the great “Breakfast Club” reference…..any reader who hasn’t seen that CLASSIC 80’s flick has GOT to watch it….no doubt, that probably only includes someone who’s under 22 years old, or something like that.

    • Donna Smaldone says:

      Indeed, I thought the opening line would garner some attention, Pasquale!

      I’m not at all surprised to hear you have a frequent flower card. You are a romantic through and through. Thanks so much for your comments.

  2. Edie says:

    When I found the right one I also said “I can’t let this one get away”. And I fought for her. I was neither concerned with what her profession was,or how much money she made. Nor did I want to change her. I wanted to enrich her life. Make her happy. Have her feel good about herself and our life.

    Isn’t dating, in the beginning anyway, all about “having something to do and having fun”? Hopefully it goes beyond that and common interests and goals are realized. Then you go on from there. I am aware that some people are all about the having fun and never go beyond that stage. Bummer for them. I’m very much in love and wouldn’t change that for the world. But it ain’t easy. I think a “real” relationship is full of trials and tribulations. Sometimes I want to tell her to go……I don’t care where, just go. And stay gone. But I know that is a re-action. And impulsive reactions rarely work the way my head is thinking they will at the time.

    I’m rambling…..sorry.

    • Donna Smaldone says:

      I know you did, Edie… and you found a great one! The love you share is real, and it’s beautiful.

      I agree that dating – in the beginning and ALWAYS (right through 50 years of marriage) – should DEFINITELY include fun and hanging out with your bestie. It’s when it’s the sole purpose that it becomes very dangerous.

      I love what you call your “ramblings”… thank you so much for reading and for sharing your heart with us.

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